Revealing Red Herrings, Dwelling in Consciousness, Slowing Way, Way, Way, Way Down, Napping

Holy Moly like OMG. I thought my biggest hurdle to peaceful oneness with the universe was being kind of edgy and having a bit of an aversion to the mushy gushy way some people show and want to receive love, plus only wearing black. But that was all a red herring – a fake hurdle. Being edgy is not a problem. Wanting hugs, sometimes, but not wanting the cooing and rocking that sometimes goes with them, is also just fine. Having a brash demeanor is fine. Some vulnerability is helpful to making a true connection with other people, but the paint color is not that important. What matters are the bones, not the cosmetics, of being.

What’s important, the really important hurdle I discovered, is the giving a shit what other people think of me. Giving a deep, deep, deep shit. And in general, in the absence of lavish praise, and sometimes even in the presence of it, concluding that they think bad things.

And then I feel bad, like I need to change how I am, repaint, wear something pink, or twist up my life, my Plan A, to make it better for them. Or I’ll get defensive and rebellious, like, “Well if they can’t take me at my worst they don’t deserve me at my best!” Or, “Whatever.” Or, big sigh, “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I said I didn’t like cats after you said you did like cats. I really love cats I was just trying to be funny. We have a cat! Please forgive me, I love you. You know I do. Come on. I’m sorry.” And then dwell on the screw up – the saying the wrong thing, wrong because someone else took it the wrong way.

Nah. Nah-ah. Done with that. No more shits on behalf of other people’s opinions real or imagined. If I step in it, I’m just going to wipe it off and move on. Dwell in the okayness, the goodness, of me, of my life, behind the paint. Hang out there. To mine own self being true. Mine own self is structurally sound.

Letting go of this overdeveloped super-ego thing is not going to result in a Scarface-esque show of power, “Say hello to my little friend!” Rather, it’s going to, I suspect, let me relax a bit more. Breathe easier a bit more. Less thinking, more living. Swing free, feel into it and trust that. Ahhhhhh.