Loved and Safe

Well it’s 6:30 and I haven’t started writing. Well, let me revise that, I’ve started writing a few different things but I’m still coming down from yesterday and nothing is really landing and we’re staying at a friend’s house and now life is happening again and I really feel like I could use a day or a month to just breathe in and out. But that is not happening. I was having trouble breathing again last night, that tight chest oh boy I don’t want this to become a panic attack feeling, after the party. I got square, breathed in and out deeply for a while, and then something started loosening and it felt like maybe I had to cry. But I was in the car with Mike and Ax and I didn’t want to scare them (as if deep breathing and talking about chest pain wasn’t doing that anyway). So I didn’t cry.

And then I told Mike I thought maybe I had to cry a little to feel better but I didn’t want him to be upset and he said okay. Ax was in the back seat making spaceship blast off noises with some of his new vehicles and not concerned about anything happening on earth.

I cried a little, not as much as I wanted to but enough to get my chest to stop feeling that stabbing owie feeling. Mike continued to ask questions to casually rule out a cardiac event, which was sweet. “Honey, do you think you need a hospital?” Me: “No, I just need to cry a little more.” Him: “Okay.”

I didn’t used to be like this, whatever this is. I didn’t used to be so sensitive. Then again, before I got sober I didn’t used to feel much either. I can take it easy today, even while being with my husband, and my son, and our friends, and away from home. I can be soft and not isolate, hide this sensitive, troubled me away in a closet until some better version is ready to come out and play. It’s okay. I am loved and I am safe. I can lean into that today.