Know When To Fold Em

Ok, I’ve suffered enough for now. I don’t care what if this or how about that. I’m ready to feel better. This trial of going off anti-depressants is concluded for now. Not happening. Not right now. Here’s the thing: the list of things activating my sadness over the past month or so is very long. However, all those same things existed the previous month and they weren’t such a big deal. It’s fine to say don’t get caught up in the symptoms of withdrawal, if that’s what the misery of other people’s voices feeling like jabbing switchblades and a constant, loud, inner dialogue of self-loathing is, but living it is a different story. (http://www.livingeveryminuteofit.com/2017/05/24/dont-get-caught-up-in-the-symptoms/)

So I get that the opportunity to feel better more of the time lies within me, rather than in changing the externals. I know the recipe: sleep, food, social time, exercise, play, work, service, meditation, prayer, repeat. But right now, without the meds, I wasn’t able to do that stuff effectively. The body felt too heavy to lug around. The felt brain trapped under a heavy wet tarp like outdoor furniture in a snowstorm. Tears suddenly, all the time, randomly. Talk about me no likey.

So it’s the second day back on my regular dose and I woke up smiling for the first time in a month. Do I want to be on this stuff? No. Am I grateful for it, yes. I surrender. I’m hopping into the rowboat. Thanks Universe!