Plan A

            I have no idea why for years and years, ok decades, I have avoided moving directly towards my Plan A.  I’ve triangulated towards it, gone for things that were similar to it, but a while ago I got spooked and left the path and it’s taken me a long long time to get back to a place where I’m committed to Plan A.

            And even as I write that, I feel my thoughts running away like steel grey drops of mercury on a concrete floor, running away from the bright yellow shining center core truth of me.  Thoughts recoiling as if from a hot flame, my brain like albino eyes needing cover from the light of the sun.  My brain can’t take it, but I can.  I can tolerate that brain pull like ornery horse determined to frolic off trail.  I don’t need to yank it or curse it or figure out why.  Just keep going. 

            It’s a brain, it does what brains do, what this brain does.  It scrambles for safe, it tells me that what I really want is unworthy, unreasonable, unattainable, more appropriate for other people.  It fogs out when I get close to vulnerability, the key to openness, the key to willingness, the key.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.  Keep going.

            And yet again, I’m learning, my brain is not my friend.  It’s a fabulous implementer, but it’s not so great at the vision part.  The vision part feels like more of a stomach job for me.  Or maybe a lymphatic system job though I’m not so sure I could identify where the lymphatic system is or what it does.  In any event, truth, finding it, staying on it, loving it, enjoying it – all that stuff is a whole-body project for me. 

            When I’m so close to my truth that I feel like I’m about to cry or puke or ecstatically merge with the universe, that’s where my brain will pipe up and tell me it’s time for a bagel or to get started on my taxes or to sell something or redecorate the living room.

             And don’t get me wrong I like bagels and I know taxes are something I will need to do and there’s nothing wrong with a new sofa or throw cushion every now and then.  But I’m ready to give my Plan A at least as much time and attention as all that other stuff, that B through Z stuff my brain draws me too like a siren’s song.  I will stay the course, and I will veer off, and I will come back.  I have already gotten better at coming back to center and I’ve only just begun to try.