Who's Driving?

            I was getting all bunched up the other day about everything and nothing in particular (whether or not we will move) so I called some friends to keep me company through it.  One friend, Sunshine, told me I have to ask myself, “What’s next?” and “Go deep,” and “Take pen to paper.” 

            Another friend, Allegra, said I have to answer the question, “What do you want?”  And my shrunk-out friend Jeanie said I could “Let all of that go,” and “Just appreciate” and “Be in what’s here now.”  Later in the day Sunshine sent me a text with the Ho’oponopono healing recipe where I’m supposed to tell myself, “I love you, I’m sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you.” 

            Oy vey!  It’s so much.  I have whole sides of me that feel like more than sides.  They feel like entire selves, complete competing identities that are not in synch with each other and do not want to take turns or share possession of my body and life.  The selves have seemingly conflicting values, aesthetics, and interests. 

            There’s Evie, the evil voice, who simply cannot be pleased no matter what.  She seems to want more external achievement, traditional financial and professional success type things, but she is also disdainful of those who pursue that kind of thing as goals in themselves.  My sides have sides! 

            Evie won’t be satisfied when I’m President of the United States-slash-world-leading spiritual ascetic-slash-great entrepreneurial inventor-slash-supermodel. Evie always wants more.  I’d still be too messy for her, and not a good enough cook, and bad at math.  Or she’d turn her attentions on my husband and son, they could use some helpful improving from Evie too, in her opinion.  That would be awful.

            So if Evie is clearly not please-able, not even satisfy-able, then it makes some sense to stop listening to her as an inner guide.  I’ve gotta get her off the panel.  Or if she can’t be fired, if she’s gonna linger around, I’m taking away her vote.  She’s a non-voting participant.  Ok.  She’s on the ride but she doesn’t get to drive. 

            Now I’m going to figure out what other voices are in this head that aren’t helping me enjoy this beautiful life, my beautiful family, and my sweet, lovable self, and I’m gonna take away their keys too.