Spinning (2)

            I don’t want to move to Seabreeze.  And, I want to have as much of Mike around as possible, given that he works in Seabreeze, a three-hour drive from where we live now. 

            It’s been fine fine fine this past “tester” year, tester seven months, since he took his dream job down there.  But I miss him on the Sunday evening to Thursday evening he’s away.  And then on weekends when he’s home there’s a hoarder mentality that feels a bit unnatural.  We tend to bunker and hibernate just the three of us, me, Ax, and Mike.   

            By Sunday afternoon my anxiety level about him going away is pretty high.  Even though I’m aware of it and trying to enjoy the time we have, not have him “pre-leave” in my mind, I find myself getting bitchy or teary or both.  Our couples’ therapist says I don’t need to feel so agitated about the coming and going.  But I do. 

            Ax seems unfazed by it all.  This situation is his normal.  I remind myself of all my friends who work long hours and see their children less than Mike does.  I remind myself that we are loving, conscious, present parents with Ax which more than compensates for the commuter-dad issue.  I remind myself that it’s Mike who’s coming and going, and that Ax’s life is rather consistent and stable here at home with me.  But I worry. 

            So the bottom line is that all three of us seem to be happy and ok today, our family is strong, Mike and I are strong, and each of us individually seems to be ok.   And I wonder if we could be more ok if we moved to Seabreeze. 

            I am grateful that today I don’t need to actually do anything about any of it.  I don’t need to torture myself with spinning, with trying to make a big decision.  It’s Saturday, it’s raining, the boys are snuggling, and I’m heading out for my morning coffee with friends.  I don’t need to make anything happen, and yet something is happening.  It’s ok.